Trapped- It's All In Your Head

Coffee- Check.

A good night’s sleep- Cross.

Still wide awake? Check.

It’s 9:23 AM. My head is aching, I’m sweating like I’m sitting under the blazing sun at noon- while being calmly seated in a large, silent air conditioned hall. I can hear my own heartbeat, slow and loud. There’s a tight band constricting my head, trying to squeeze my brain out, getting tighter with every attempt to loosen it off. I can feel the stress over my forehead, my brows furrowed in anguish. I am trying to calm myself, please, everyone’s gonna look at you and wonder what the hell is up with that face? Nothing major has happened, I swear, but people don't get it you know. They'll simply conclude that I've had a fight with someone, or that I've caught a nasty attitude. Because I bet that's what my face is definitely interpreting right now.

"It's all in my head, I can overcome this.."

I kept repeating this mantra over and over in my head.

Everything was OK. But I can’t comprehend anything; I can't focus on anything I do. I try laying my head over onto my desk, I try sleeping or resting a bit, it’s… it’s not working. I keep fidgeting around, tapping my feet on the floor, flicking a pen around in my hand. Nothing is working. I felt like I was the only moving object in the room, and I wondered how I wasn’t kicked out yet for the motion. I felt tired, restless, afraid.

Alright, here we go. I don’t have any deadlines ahead, I haven’t lost anything, I don’t have any exam or interrogation ahead of me. Yet I am panicking like a freak, splendid. I am not overdue on any project, nor is there any secret sacred holy promise I’ve violated with a friend. I cannot calm down. I bite my lips and try breathing in and out- slowly. Trying to release whatever my brain is trying so hard to hold on. I look around, everybody is calm. I need some of that. I begged internally, as if they were some kind of mind readers.

I fail.

I cannot ease up, loosen up, talking isn’t helping. I’m about to burst into tears. But before that I definitely want to bust open my head to just get all of it out, whatever it is. A drill into my head would be just fine right now, just fine.