Social Anxiety

I check my inbox repeatedly after getting triggered by the annoying numerical red dot stuck on my apps’ icons. A mouthful of words, just like my mind.

I scroll up and down. Hastily and nervously. Avoiding every single conversation. Even reading them seemed like a godforsaken task. I lock up my phone after barely two minutes- without doing anything to get rid of the very noticeable icons.

I felt something. Something strange. I felt my palms sweaty and my heart pounding. There wasn’t any calamity or bad news in any of those texts. Nor have I done something wrong to feel so guilt ridden, or nervous. Why was I feeling the way I was?

I got shaky. Ridiculously wasting time thinking of everything that’s coming up the next week. The deadlines and events. I was getting anxious. Of social situations, and expectations. And it was at that very moment I turned on my laptop and go straight to google.

Social anxiety- I typed.

Had to look this term up after reading some text messages. Some inquiries of whether you’ll make it to the party? Or the deadline? Why haven’t you RSVP’d yet? You said you’ll meet soon but haven’t received a text of that soon since two weeks? Will you be able to work it out? You’re a professional now, this is what you gotta do. Are you coming to the wedding? Can you do it for me please? Can you work it out and get me on the way too?

I can’t. I repeated in my head. I rushed to bed, without even cleaning up the pile of books on the sofa where I wasted twenty something minutes with my head in my hands. I didn’t touch my phone and scroll through every newsfeed like every night. I anxiously breathed in deep, and deeper, let it out and sighed. Trying to calm myself down and miserably failing. I toss and turn. Trying to figure out what to do.